My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
