I need to stop coming to work sober
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
