I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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