Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
They took my balls.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
