I met the friendliest cop last night
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
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