fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
