FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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