Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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