I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The air was thick with penises
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
