Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
