I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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