Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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