I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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