Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Randomize
