You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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