Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
