It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
