She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
