apparently the secret to your success is patron
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Randomize
