Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Im part way to drunk.
Randomize
