I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
