: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
