i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
