You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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