sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
