Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
