Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
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