I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Randomize
