is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
