The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
