i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize