I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Two words: blizzard sex
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
