Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
she woke up with a sticky ear
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
