..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
