I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Randomize
