She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
