I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
