Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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