I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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