Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Randomize
