If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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