there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize