So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
