i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
