GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
