i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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