Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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