I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
