I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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