I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
ttyl tear gas
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
