Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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