I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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