She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
