I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
