I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize