I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
