My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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